I was told that I was a “surprise” baby for my parents. They had already raised 3 children and 10 years after my sister was born my parents found out they were pregnant with me. My mother was 46 at the time which was considered to be very old, even too old for giving birth. My mother was told by doctors, family members and friends that she was crazy to be having a baby at 46, that she was putting her health at risk, even being irresponsible. I always felt like I wasn’t really wanted, especially by my father.
My mother had RH- blood and I had RH +. Our blood didn’t mix. Just prior to my birth the antibodies started building up to high levels in my mother’s body. At a cellular level, my body was under attack. My mother was brought straight into hospital. On February 18, 1976, my mother went into labour which lasted about 3 hrs. When she went into hard labour, my father was asked to leave the delivery room. I don’t know more details of the actual birth as my mother has passed away, but my father says it was a fairly routine birth without complications. He never spoke with my Mom about what happened because he said at that time those things weren’t spoken of to men. I do know that Mom was given an epidural and that I was just over 7 lbs when I was born.
After the birth, I had to be given blood transfusions in order to survive. The doctors said that if I was not given blood transfusions, I would have developed jaundice and died. So I was put in an incubator in the premature ward and kept in hospital while I received the transfusions. My father said I was surrounded my many tiny premature babies, some with fetal alcohol syndrome and some affected by their mothers taking drugs and other premature babies that probably required more attention from the nurses than me, a big 7lb baby.
My Mom was sent home 2 days after my birth. I stayed for just under a month in an incubator until March 15th and received 9 blood transfusions. My parents visited me sometimes, but a severe ice storm closed down the roads and prevented them from visiting me for over a week.
Connections between my life and my birth
In my life I have often felt very separate and desperately alone. I often long for a sense of family. I’ve always had fierce feelings that I had to do things all on my own and that I had to look after myself. I have had a hard time depending on other people and trusting others. I have lived a lot of my life in survival mode and longing for love. This can all be related back to that little baby girl who spent a month alone in an incubator.
I’ve also often felt like people were attacking me which can be related back to my mother’s blood’s antibodies attacking my body’s blood cells. I was never breast-fed which can also be connected to this longing for love and feelings of loneliness.
I’ve often felt like the world was a tough place to be and believed that you have to fight and work really hard in order to survive.
I sometimes feel trapped and suffocated and I had the tendency to be violent or angry in situations where I felt trapped.
The warm water rebirthing
The rebirthing process was a wonderful opportunity to release these birth traumas. The affirmations given to me by Tove and the other participants before the rebirthing were:
“ I am innocent.”
“ I am surrounded by love.” and
“ I create joy and happiness everywhere I go”
It was wonderful to feel the warm water all around me and the loving support of many all around me. It was a time to leave logical and rational thinking behind and to focus on one thing, the breath. All I did was focus on my breathing, in and out of the chest. It was a time to just be.
I remember crying a lot and my chest shuddering to try and get a full breath. My body sometimes shook with the crying. I felt my head pushing up against the people behind me and felt pain in my neck and pressure on the right hand side of my head. At times, I felt like I was really fighting to get a breath and I arched my back and tilted my head backwards. I felt myself kicking with my legs and wanting resistance for my legs to push against. (When I’ve gotten angry in the past, I would often kick with my legs.) I could feel myself reaching with my arms and hands. It was wonderful to look up into the eyes of those close to me, my “mother” and “father”. I rested my head up against the people close to me.
The people who were supporting me said that it was as if I went through my whole birth more than once. That it happened in “ripples”. It was as if all was finished and then it would start again. I grabbed on to people’s hands like a baby would.
During the whole process I felt love and support. Even after I left the water the support continued. I felt constant love and connection and felt very well cared for. In my “new” birth, I was given all the time I needed. People stayed close by me to give me love and support and even helped me to drink water through a straw while I was still lying down. Sometimes I felt that I should get up but people told me “Take all the time you need” and to rest. I felt so loved and well cared for.
My “mother” and “father”, Tammy and Don, gave me a beautiful foot massage, Tammy on my left foot and Don on the right. To me this was like Yin/yang energy, my masculine and feminine side were being cared for. Don’s massage on the right, dominant side was vigorous and represented masculine energy to me. Tammy’s massage seemed very feminine and nurturing and calm. Afterwards Tammy worked on the right, dominant side and this message came to me:
“It’s ok to be feminine and powerful.”
“ It’s time to speak up and speak your truth.”
I am so appreciative of this experience and I am very thankful for all the people who supported me so generously, thoughtfully and lovingly.
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